Sean Mathews

F

1/8/13

SELF DEPRECATION

            Sean Mathews? Yeah, the kid with the same stupid flippy haircut he’s had since the 7^th grade? Does he even wash it? Probably not. After all, he certainly doesn’t wash that same pair of girly skinny jeans that he wears literally every day. And while we’re on the topic of appearance, what do his shirts even mean? Like, “Pianos Become the Teeth”? What the hell kind of stupid band is that? And “Modern Life Is War”? Is that some kind of pathetic attempt at being dark and depressing? It might’ve worked if you weren’t the kind that wears tight jeans and beat up moccasins 24/7. I mean seriously, last year the kid wore a pair of slippers that had a 3 inch hole all year long. Like, ever heard of sneakers? You know…Jordan’s? Nike? Something that actually cost you more than 12 dollars at Target? The kid is so anti-social too. Have you ever seen him in the hallways? Head down, dressed in black, flipping his hair every few seconds for maximum teen angst effect. He used to be popular too! Like in middle school he was the punk kid that left school and got suspended, stole a school lunch and got away with it, and passed in a blank quiz one time! Whatever happened to the sociable Sean Mathews? I hear he got voted Wallflower in the yearbook this year. That’s funny. You know what a wallflower is? It’s a shy or unpopular person, like that kid in that book that no one read for the one book/one school last year. Honestly, he probably read it. The kids almost become a nerd. But he’s like…not even a nerd. I’m pretty sure he tries to take AP classes but can’t even pass in his homework on time. I’m pretty sure he just sits in class and writes “emotional” poetry. He’s in some stupid “screamo” band that he apparently does for fun on the weekends. Like, bro, go to a party or something. How about you not be friends only with kids that live hours away? Sean claims that his sick screaming band, which is called “Pathfinder”, is doing well. But on the real…what the heck is he even saying in his songs? Literally can’t even understand a word he screams. Also, his band name is lame. Literally there’s a car, a movie, an RPG video game, and I’m pretty sure another band all named Pathfinder. And by the way, stop posting “Come to my band’s show!” literally every day on the internet. No one cares about your dumb band. Hmm what else? Oh, literally he works as a Janitor at Roche Bros. Nice one. Who wants to be a janitor? Like this kids life is literally taking out trash, cleaning bathrooms, and screaming into a microphone. I heard from his friends that he’s never on time, he never answers his phone, and his car is filled with trash. I even heard that his trunk is literally filled with trash. Also, drink some more mountain dew why don’t you? All that caffeine definitively doesn’t make you energetic that’s for sure. How can someone be so dull and anti-social? Like maybe you should literally get a smart phone? Like I remember when Flip phones were cool in the 5^th grade LOL. Maybe if you had a better phone you’d be less of a wallflower! Like, he literally just got an Instgram. I bet he spends time reading poetry instead. He probably listens to recorded poetry too, along with his other scream bands. I bet the kid doesn’t even know who Robin Thicke is! Literally, he used to be athletic too. I’m pretty sure he made the JV baseball team freshman year but quit because he chose to get a job. Like, what a waste of talent. He should go play track or something. I mean, he’s scrawny enough to be a good runner. The kid’s just skin and bones. He tries to show it off with his stupid tight pants. He used to be taller than everyone too. Like, the kid hit puberty before anyone. In the 6^th grade he already had his deep mumbling voice that you can’t even understand. He also already had his sad excuse for a mustache and goatee in middle school. Does he think that passes as legit facial hair? I can’t even.  Now he’s average height, still inaudible, and continues to forget to shave regularly. I’m pretty sure he’s like 19? Like, bro, didn’t you stay back in Pre-School? Wasn’t it because you didn’t draw arms on your stick figures? Literally so funny. Sean Mathews? Yeah I know him. He’s just a flower on the wall.